Sunday, November 19, 2006


It's day 186...I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who left comments in my last entry...sometimes I forget that while Im babbling and baring my soul that people are reading, I guess thats good in a way though as I get to get it all out and whoever is reading gets the truth, nothing hidden..... me.

Ok the tears came back. It was comforting and disheartening at the same time...Comforting becasue I now know that the other day, I wasnt stuffing my feeling, I evidently had used up my supply of tears for the day, and disheartening because I am sad.

Ive noticed as well as have others that over the past two days, thoughI try to portray the smiling me, that I just cant get there right now, I had to walk out of a meeting yesterday as I had a meltdown due to something someone was saying and Im still not comfortable getting to tears in public...I guess thats self centeredness, but it is what it is.

I have this huge cage around me right now, even with people I dont want to have it with. My friends, and thats fear....fear of getting attached, fear of feeling and then the thought that things may not work out my way and I just dont want to hurt anyone anymore.

Im doing very well though as I dont have any urges and for tht I am truly grateful, becasue I dont know if I could fight the urge to not pick up right now if I had to and maybe thats part of the lesson to, that God is with me...

It's just sorting all this out in my head, and not letting my heart take over and yet at the same time trying to stay out of my head becasue I know thats a dangerous place for me to be, especially right now....

I started spending time with my friend Tim from my Sunday night meeting, we've spent hours and hours over the last week just talking about life and everything that has happened. I dont think I have ever had such honest conversations with a guy in my life and that is good, because I can share how I am feeling and also listen to what he has going on in his life (which is a lot) it helps take my mind off of what I am going thri right now, at least for a little while...and I am grateful for his friendship as well. He always calls or shows up at just the right time. Hes also one of the people who saw my bubble of protection hard at work on Wednesday night and was surprised to see me that way because he saysthatit was so evident that I didnt want anyone near me, to look at me, talk to me or anything...

I dont know, Im a mess and Im so afraid to let the world see it. This is my safety net, writing here everyday, because even though I know people read it, I know that you are peole going through a lot of the same things, and that you dont judge me....and even if you did, I would never I guess thats safety as well.

Im just so sad, so sad. I hear the promises and the tears fall almost instantly, I hear people speak and tears come to my eyes, and I just cant find the switch anymore....The serenity prayer has become my best friend lately ....10 million times a day those words fall from my lips, hoping that if I just keep saying them that this pain will some how disipate at least a little bit.

My next dr appt is tuesday and I know I wont have all the answers that day, but Im at least hoping for some. You guys, I cant even tell you how much it meant to come here and know that I was heard, and that my frineds from afar were praying and understanding. JJ- I wasnt going to write today, but I wanted you to know I was ok....I guess if nothing else, thats what you and I do for each other....and that we all give each other support when needed....Im truly grateful.

6 months sober and I get handed the greatest challenge of my life thus least in sobriety, but I am hanging on, Ive earned my seat in sobreity and I know that for me to leave would me to never return as cleaning up the wreckage and feelings are the hardest things this alcoholic has ever had to do prior to now....I know that no matter what as long as I dont pick up, I have a chance at life...but if I did pick up that chance is out the door forever as I will be off and running, hiding from pain and shame...I deserve more than that and so do my children.

Thank you GOD for another day of sobriety....


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