Sad


It's day 186...I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who left comments in my last entry...sometimes I forget that while Im babbling and baring my soul that people are reading, I guess thats good in a way though as I get to get it all out and whoever is reading gets the truth, nothing hidden..... me.

Ok the tears came back. It was comforting and disheartening at the same time...Comforting becasue I now know that the other day, I wasnt stuffing my feeling, I evidently had used up my supply of tears for the day, and disheartening because I am sad.

Ive noticed as well as have others that over the past two days, thoughI try to portray the smiling me, that I just cant get there right now, I had to walk out of a meeting yesterday as I had a meltdown due to something someone was saying and Im still not comfortable getting to tears in public...I guess thats self centeredness, but it is what it is.

I have this huge cage around me right now, even with people I dont want to have it with. My friends, and thats fear....fear of getting attached, fear of feeling and then the thought that things may not work out my way and I just dont want to hurt anyone anymore.

Im doing very well though as I dont have any urges and for tht I am truly grateful, becasue I dont know if I could fight the urge to not pick up right now if I had to and maybe thats part of the lesson to, that God is with me...

It's just sorting all this out in my head, and not letting my heart take over and yet at the same time trying to stay out of my head becasue I know thats a dangerous place for me to be, especially right now....

I started spending time with my friend Tim from my Sunday night meeting, we've spent hours and hours over the last week just talking about life and everything that has happened. I dont think I have ever had such honest conversations with a guy in my life and that is good, because I can share how I am feeling and also listen to what he has going on in his life (which is a lot) it helps take my mind off of what I am going thri right now, at least for a little while...and I am grateful for his friendship as well. He always calls or shows up at just the right time. Hes also one of the people who saw my bubble of protection hard at work on Wednesday night and was surprised to see me that way because he saysthatit was so evident that I didnt want anyone near me, to look at me, talk to me or anything...

I dont know, Im a mess and Im so afraid to let the world see it. This is my safety net, writing here everyday, because even though I know people read it, I know that you are peole going through a lot of the same things, and that you dont judge me....and even if you did, I would never know...so I guess thats safety as well.

Im just so sad, so sad. I hear the promises and the tears fall almost instantly, I hear people speak and tears come to my eyes, and I just cant find the switch anymore....The serenity prayer has become my best friend lately ....10 million times a day those words fall from my lips, hoping that if I just keep saying them that this pain will some how disipate at least a little bit.

My next dr appt is tuesday and I know I wont have all the answers that day, but Im at least hoping for some. You guys, I cant even tell you how much it meant to come here and know that I was heard, and that my frineds from afar were praying and understanding. JJ- I wasnt going to write today, but I wanted you to know I was ok....I guess if nothing else, thats what you and I do for each other....and that we all give each other support when needed....Im truly grateful.

6 months sober and I get handed the greatest challenge of my life thus far....at least in sobriety, but I am hanging on, Ive earned my seat in sobreity and I know that for me to leave would me to never return as cleaning up the wreckage and feelings are the hardest things this alcoholic has ever had to do prior to now....I know that no matter what as long as I dont pick up, I have a chance at life...but if I did pick up that chance is out the door forever as I will be off and running, hiding from pain and shame...I deserve more than that and so do my children.

Thank you GOD for another day of sobriety....

Eugene Armstrong Beheading Video
Thanks to Gavin I made the very very big mistake of watching the Eugene Armstrong beheading video at link removed . Gavin very appropriately warned me that while he hasn't seen it, that it was very bloody. I disregarded his advice and watched it anyway.

I'd like to say I didn't watch it out of callous disregard for Eugene Armstrong's murder. I am not a fan of Faces of Death or the concept behind it. The reason I watched it was because I wanted to be a "witness" as it was, to his murder.

My sympathies go out to his relatives. The hardest part about watching it wasn't the gore or bloodshed, it was really the first few seconds when Mr. Armstrong realized what was about to happen. Seeing him struggle, cry out and try to get away was the hardest part.

The second hardest part was the very end when the murderers cried out, "Allah akbar, Allah akbar, Allah akbar." Try as I might, I just cannot view the world in the same way as those men. I cannot look at the world in such a way that murdering becomes a good and necessary deed. In respect to their plight, Mr. Armstrong was guilty of nothing.

It's easy to wish for the murder of the murderers. But what good does that do? I just wish I could understand how they view the world. It might help to figure out a better solution to this mess.

Ok, I might have a bit of a problem with socializing. After all I'm writing this shit instead of being "out there", uh, looking at drunk people. I guess. Is that how parties work?
Mmm Internet, you are my social safety net. <3
Anyways, I don't see what the big deal is about the "party". What if you don't know anyone? Then it's all about finding someone to talk to who won't throw up on your shoes. Fuck that. It's like the High School Theory. Find someone who will let you stand next to them.

Ugh.

Well she's sexy and seventeen
My little rock-roll queen
Acts a little bit obscene
Gotta let off a little steam
Dig that sound shake it around your mind , mind , mind

Hooray for being seventeen, the age no one cares about!

How to make me laugh:

- Tell me about the time you had a bee in your pants and were subsequently stung several times in the groin area.
- Put on MC Chris when I'm in a bad mood. How can I resist "Her cunt tasted like skeletons"?
- Silly pop culture references always get my proverbial goat.
- Show me a picture of when you at halloween when you were four and dressed up as a ninja turtle. (!!!)
- Call me "madame".
- (Not exactly part of the list but relevent because I laughed quite a bit at this movie) Holy shit have you guys seen The Substitute?
I knew it would be awesome when Ernie Hudson broke a board the Woodshop class made him and then giving a lecture about harnessing your chi. And then there was the fight in the school library! And the most awkwardly acted sex scene ever! And it was awesome!

These are the best panties EVER. I want to buy every pair on the face of the planet and live in a giant pile of them. Is that weird?

What is new in my life. In bullet points.

- I have a new boyfriend. (Yeah yeah...) He definitely doesn't suck. In fact, he kind of rocks my face off. And also, he has Tech TV.
- I'm completely obsessed with Lingo, this shitty show on the Game Show Network (Whose website blows, by the way.) I tried to find a fansite but I can't. And maybe that is for the best.
- I've been procrastinating like hell and Finals are a mere two weeks away. Fuck me.
- SheeplovR2: nothgins better then post messiah birth sex
- Quick survey: What is your favorite flavor of jelly bean?